uncertain path
Photo by ladislav
So, it’s 2009. And I said I’d be back, so here I am. First off, I’d like to thank you for being around, for being such a support over the last two years. You’ve been an amazing community, and I’m really thankful for all the support that all of you have given me. And now, 2009 is here.

I honestly don’t know what to make of it.  I don’t know whether I’m ready for the new year. A new year, to me, is a time for looking forward. It’s a new time, a blank slate, a time to step forward and make something happen. But looking forward, I’m just really unsure about a lot of things.

As of a couple of weeks or so ago, I’m now 18. And to be honest, I feel quite unaccomplished. I look at some of kids my age, the likes of Kabren Levinson and Jessica Mah (among others), and I feel just quite unaccomplished. There’s no other word for it. I’ve got huge respect for these people, these young people who are doing amazing things. This is not meant as a gripe against them, not by any means. I have huge respect for them and they’ve been great friends, really encouraging and helpful and really nice to be around and talk to. The world needs more people like them, definitely.

I just wonder whether I have the capability to be one of those people. Yes, I have this blog, and all of you have been brilliant, the conversations have been great. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. But it feels like I haven’t actually done anything. And I guess that, in my mind, at least, now that I’m 18, it’s time for me to step up. It’s time for me to step up and show who I am and what I can do.

The army isn’t really helping either. It’s killing me inside, emotionally and mentally. It’s not that it’s tough training or anything, far from it. I just feel like 2 years of my life are being completely wasted. And I need something to do – I need a project to work on, someone to work with, something – I just need to know that I’m making some sort of meaning with my life. I need something to live for, because honestly, my life at the moment feels very meaningless, like I’m just going through the motions. And I hate that.

This is definitely a transitional phase, and so much has been happening. I’ve been looking at colleges over the past month or so and it’s really made me have to come to grips with the reality that life as I know it is going to change. My friends are going to be leaving, to different colleges and schools all around the world. I myself will be leaving in a couple of years. And yes, I’m looking forward to leaving, but there’s an uncertainty that comes with that.

But that’s part of life, I guess. Fear and uncertainty are always going to be there. It’s something all of us have to deal with, and I don’t think anyone actually fully gets rid of the fear. My biggest fear? That my life won’t work out. There are times I wonder – what if I’m just not good enough to make it. I know I’m taking a lot of risks. And there are times I wonder whether I lack the ability to really pull it off. I fear that my story would be like the story Peter Cincotti tells in his song “Another Falling Star” (full lyrics here). That’s my biggest fear.

I don’t regret the risks I’ve taken, the path that I’ve chosen. If I had to choose again, I would make the same choices, and walk the same path. I believe in the path that I’ve chosen, I still do. There’s just fear about what lies ahead. But that’s what defines us, isn’t it? The fear is never going to be gone. It’s just a question of whether we can pull ourselves above it, and rise above it to fulfil our potential. It’s not about getting rid of the fear, it’s about acting in spite of it.

And for me, that’s what 2009 is going to be about. There’s so much uncertainty, and it’s definitely very much a defining period for me, I think. How I deal with the army stuff (because honestly, I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental/emotional breakdown from it), whether I can find/create the opportunities to do something meaningful (in the evenings/weekends when I’m not in the army camp, so that I won’t feel like my 2 years are being completely wasted), deciding on the path for my future (issues of college, etc). The year ahead is really going to be one of the most defining years for me as an individual.

This is the time of my life where I have to step up, like never before. It’s time for me to prove that I can do something significant, that I can be someone. It’s time for me to show what I’m really about.

I just hope I have the strength and courage to do it.

*I’m sorry for the rambling post, just needed the platform to get it off my chest, I guess. If you’ve actually read through the whole thing, thank you, I really appreciate it.

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